Creating A Dilemma

Just finished mowing our lawn – and I use the word lawn only in the sense that the Wikipedia states that: A lawn is an area of recreational or amenity land planted with grass, and sometimes clover and other plants, which are maintained at a low, even height.

I, of course, am pushing the “ other plants” part, as our three and a quarter acre” lawn” consists of predominately wild onions and dandelions. However, if kept mowed it does pass the “ low, even height” criteria.

Today’s mowing did reveal that the moles have started early and this year’s infestation may be a new record – which triggered my natural ability for genius (this is my story, and I’ll tell it however I want.)

First of all, I looked up wild onions and was surprised to find that several species are treated as culinary delicacies, so thereafter mine will be referred to as wild leeks.  Additionally, with the current rush of wineries in this area, I’ll also declare our dandelions as prime for dandelion wine making. Therefore I’ll apply for the farm property tax rate which appears to be about one-sixth of its real value here in Illinois. There is also a clause that states  If it does not have a contributory value, it is valued at zero.” We’ll get to that later.

Illinois ranks as number three in the nation for farm subsidy, with over $3 billion annually, so I figure a decent income from the government on those delicious leeks. There are also several new business grants as well as a $72,750 state subsidy to the Illinois wine producers group. I expect a decent share of that for my fine dandelion wine.

The state subsidy information was footnoted to a publication titled, “2010 Illinois Piglet Book” which purported to be about government waste in the state, but must actually be a guidebook for enterprising  entrepreneurs  and agricultural investors such as myself.  It is full of advice such as:

*$34,000 grant to a tree farm – I’ll get my share of that from the trees I’m digging up in the neighbor’s woods to replace the storm-loss I suffered last year.

*$1.6 million paid to county fairs for subsidizing entertainment – again, if the neighbors don’t get a kick out of this. I’ll give my share back.

*$100,000 or so to music groups – mowing with my iPod blasting ought to account for something.

*$9 million to tourism or visitors – everyone who drives by seems to look at our place . . .

and the list just goes on.

Additionally (and this will also go back to the clause in the tax law that I referenced regarding the non-contributory land) there is an “Agriculture Risk Protection Act”  which provides for crop loss reimbursement, using a rather unnecessarily complex formula. For example, if I insure for fruits and vegetable loss at $22 an acre, . . .  well, who really cares.  I’ll get paid for the loss. What with the moles and my neighbor’s soiza grass steadily creeping along, it appears that my total production will be lost and subsequently subsidized (which also makes three or four pretty decent alliterations – my English 101 instructor  would be proud. And with the millions the state gives to universities. . . )

Now, with all this potential farm subsidy as well as the loss reimbursement, I’m faced with the dilemma of whether to leave the new Porsche at the summer home in the Hamptons and the Ferrari at the winter place on Montserrat – or vice-versa.

My wife said not to count my chickens.

Hmmmm?

Chicken non-farming?

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One Comment on “Creating A Dilemma”

  1. JJ Says:

    once again…lol, but ( and you know there’s ALWAYS a butt) you neglected to take in your right to sell your Carbon Credits! Could be ‘big bucks’….maybe enough for a Lotus for the new house in the Florida Keys 😉

    JJ


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